Instead we get "Hippo goes public about imprisonment, torture". Like Gitmo. Get it? They probably meant Abu Ghraib, but jokes shouldn't be over analyzed. They should be funny. Then why isn't this? Maybe because the Attorney General's name is Lando Calrissian. Maybe because the piece ends with the Hippo and "Trachtenbucks" (GET IT????) having babies. Author Scire Spice (get it?) wields the rhetorical prowess of Mike Myers in "The Love Guru." Just awful.
How about a story on Rahmbo and his commencement address? They try, they fail. They cross out the oft-repeated adjective "fucking." Get it? 'Cause he can't curse at a commencement address! Oh and they took a wholly original shot at Republicans. "Gun fucking," "war loving," "sodomy banning." All gold. Lots of cursing, like "Scarface." Not funny, like "30 Rock." PJF: I know I'll get shit for that, but I stand by the statement.
How about their corrections page? Compare George Brunner, a recovering drug addict, to a murderer? Done. Hilarious. They misattributed a quote to the Editor (Eggplant in Chief! HA!) which should have been attributed to Jesus. Get it? Me neither. Obama is misquoted as making a retard joke about GWBlogspot (can you say "easy target"?) and a tuition joke. It's funny cause it could happen, like "Head of State."
Or Just A. Giraffe's (get it?) piece on the SA. They need to get laid, apparently, unlike the Hatchet editors, who are so chill and hilarious that they came up with calling the Patriot the "Redcoat." Haha, cause America fought Britain way back. Get it? And the sex won't last long. Get it? 'Cause they're inexperienced. It's funny to call SA members "tools." Yep, that joke has the longevity of the Police Academy franchise.
I could go on and on, but by now you get my joke. The Hatchet isn't funny. I would laugh if they showed enough self-awareness to not publish the issue next year. Like most good jokes, we wouldn't see it coming, it would shock us, and it would reveal to us something we did not know up until that point. Namely, that the Hatchet reads its own drivel. But like Shrek 4, next year's issue is a stubborn inevitability. Hopefully I'll have the good sense to not read it at all.
*Logan corrected me (sort of). Ford fail indeed. But in my defense, I didn't realize it was my birthday this year until around 2pm. Seriously.
17 comments:
This was funnier than anything in the Hatchet issue. Fact.
Patrick, you are such a fucking tool, it is unbelievable. Stop wasting your time on obnoxiously long posts like this and do something productive.
Obnoxiously long? You have no idea what I'm capable of:
http://miniurl.org/R4e
I'm going to sidestep the 30 Rock comment and say instead: Eggplant-in-chief, oh dear.
"It's April Fools Day. When I was 14 it meant the morning my brother and I taped the sink nozzle down so that when my mother woke up in the morning she would get soaked."
It is not, in fact, April fools day. That is tomorrow.
Ford FAIL.
Tomorrow is not, in fact, April fools day. That is Wednesday.
Dobson FAIL.
You got me.
I'd rather be wrong about the date than be a sellout, though.
Yeah my B, forgot march had 31.
BOOM. ME ROASTED. Pat is, indeed, so much cooler/more self-aware/funnier than the people that write for the Hatchet. He would totally write for The Simpsons, except that the show totally jumped the shark and sold out in the late '90s.
One small piece of advice, though: simply repeating a joke and adding a snarky, parenthetical "GET IT?" at the end is not sufficient to prove that it wasn't funny.
I never claimed to be funny, but my point hinged on more than the parenthetical asides. I thought that was obvious.
Pat,
I count six jokes that you reject with a simply "Get it?"
Also, I see some others you reject with a "get it" and a deadpan explanation of the irony of the original joke. Not good enough.
You could do that with ANY humor, no matter how good.
I thought you were right about the Hatchet not being funny, and then you said 30 Rock wasn't funny and I realized that you are retarded and had to double-check the Hatchet to make sure that my initial impression was correct. It was, but I would like to hear your ideas on what IS funny.
Bill,
You gave it a B+. 'Nuff said.
Peter,
Some things that are funny: The Office, Judd Apatow, Stanley Kubrick (when he tries to be), Kenny Hotz, Mitch Hedberg, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, almost anything Harold Ramis touches, Southpark.
Some things that are not funny: American Dad, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Sarah Silverman,Hollywood self-parody by leading Hollywood figures (30 Rock), Jonah Goldberg.
"You gave it a B+. 'Nuff said."
Grade inflation?
didn't anyone like the joke about greta being a troll guarding bridges?
Is it possible for you guys to write a substantive article about something other than the Hatchet?
Let me rephrase that -- Can you write an article longer than a paragraph about something other than the Hatchet?
I dunno, anonymous.
It's so much easier just to spend our time critiquing a publication whose work we obviously haven't read.
But then, you already know all about that.
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